How I Became a Jainist
My journey starts a long time ago. Essentially I was raised with no religion, or none was pushed on neither me nor my brother. We lived in a small town filled with churches so there was exposure to many different Christian denominations. I dabbled in some here and there but overall I did not really get it.
Around the 8th grade I got a severe concussion which I later learned had caused temporal lobe epilepsy, but at the time was unaware that it was even a concussion or what a concussion was at all. Looking back I can now see the effect that it had on me as my personality completely changed from a reserved quiet introvert to an extroverted loud mouthed militant, or as I would say, religious atheist. Before that I kept my beliefs to myself, afterward I somewhat evangelized for atheism and openly attacked people of faith, and even mocked them.
A couple years later a friend and I had moved out to Las Vegas in search of some adventure but also some good paying jobs. It was there that someone had brought it to my attention that I had not properly studied any religion and therefore my criticism of any of them was not valid. In order to have a valid critique I had to first study them and know why they were wrong, or perhaps one or more was right. In hindsight this was a recipe for disaster as I was experiencing delusions and schizoaffective symptoms from the temporal lobe epilepsy which cause a hyper-religiousity, which at the time manifested itself as militant atheism.
I began studying religion and I got to Christianity and of course being surrounded by Christians I began being convinced by some really bad arguments for Christianity. I went overboard with it, becoming extremely apocalyptic and almost cultish. I honestly believed I was some sort of prophet and at times when experiencing episodes I would be convinced that I was a messiah. The disconnect was that I had a very vile temper and had no regard for the feelings of anyone else but my own and was totally unable to see this at all. I was cold, distant, and uncaring, unless I was talking about religion. However, if someone disagreed with me I became abusive and angry, hardly what I would call something that we would regard as holy. Yet in my delusional thinking I was unable to see this.
I went so far as to travel to Ethiopia and had some mystical experiences there which led me to believe that Orthodox Christianity was the true religion. So in place of militant atheism I became militant Christian. Everyone else was wrong and I was right.
Some of the experiences I had that I thought were actual religious experiences that set me personally apart from everyone were things like the icons speaking to me or moving. Having a feeling of being disembodied and taken into the heavens and receiving messages. One common experience was a bright light literally being shined upon me after which I would think I was receiving revelations or knowledge and I would write it down. Later I realized this was what would be called an "aura" that precedes a seizure, specifically a simple partial seizure in which I did not lose consciousness.
It was not until I was married did I realize that something was wrong. Having a partner gives you the ability to reflect on your behavior and I began trying to find answers as to why I would inadvertantly explode in anger or experience severe depression or days without sleep.
Originally I was diagnosed as bipolar, and I did not accept this diagnosis at all because the symptoms did not fit what I was experiencing, some of them yes, but very few. I kept telling them I had a history of concussions, three of them were severe and one of them specifically when I was dropped on my head on hard pavement from about six feet, which knocked me cold and caused me to vomit ( something I was told later ) was very serious. But this was ignored. A later psychiatrist diagnosed me as schizoaffective, which did make more sense but I still was not satisfied and wanted an eeg done, but no neurologist would do one, they kept ordering MRI's instead, which showed nothing. I assume they looked at my chart, seen that I am "crazy" and merely wrote me off.
Finally I found a neurologist that took me seriously, he did the eeg and did find that I called it correctly, temporal lobe epilepsy. I went home and actually wept, not out of sadness, but out of relief.
In about 2014 before my TLE diagnosis my psych doctor got me into mindful meditation to calm my mind, which was out of control, and I was surprised at how well this worked. I began thinking, literally years of prayer and I got nothing and three months of meditation every day and my mind has actually gotten much more quiet. Yet I did not question my faith because I was still having mystical experiences.
My doctor had been begging me to take an anti-psychotic for some time, and because I trusted her I relented and began taking it. I was scared and nervous to be taking such a scary medication but the trust she had built with me ensured me that she cared for me and she knew this was right for me. It did make me tired, but I kept at it and after about three months I noticed that I did not react in anger towards my wife and others anymore like I used to, but calmly and understandly. I was shocked, and I was even more shocked that I actually noticed something about myself, something I had not been able to do since, well, I do not know when. After about another three months I noticed that there were no more mystical experiences anymore. None. Everything was mundane, the icons no longer moved or talked. I was not disembodied, sometimes still I get an engulfing light surrounding me but I know its an aura and not god. But that, in about 2014-2015 is when I started to doubt my faith.
My delusions were gone, my mind was different, I was thinking clearly with no interference whatsoever. I felt nothing towards church or god, prayer or anything religious. I kept trying to get that feeling back, but it was gone and my attempts were fruitless. At some point I decided, since my mind was clear, to re-read the bible with a more skeptical approach. I was actually shocked at what I read, god was not the loving god I had imagined. He was a genocidal maniac. I seen the contradictions that showed the religion made no sense, the whole "love me or burn in hell". For some reason I kept trying to find reasons to hold on to it. But effectively I was an atheist since 2015 I was just in denial the entire time.
It was not until recently that a close personal friend pointed me to a specific scholar. I looked him up, listened to some of his lectures, read several of his books and said to myself "yea, Christianity is total and utter nonsense".
At this point I had already been visiting a Buddhist temple and meditating frequently. I had been reading Buddhist literature and was blown away by the fact that Buddha, in his first sermon, addresses suffering and how to overcome it. The bible never tells us why we suffer or how to overcome it, ever. In fact in some parts god himself is causing the suffering.
So since I had been meditating for a few years I decided I would study Buddhism, but I wanted to see if there was any validity to any of its claims, even one of its major claims. Surprisingly I found a psychiatrist, Dr. Ian Stevenson, who began studying reincarnation claims as what he thought were personality disorders. He actually found that he could corroborate many of these claims and he has thousands of these cases from all over the globe.
So I engrossed myself in Buddhist studies since I had no need for Christianity anymore and I thoroughly enjoyed it but found it somewhat problematic. Often times Buddhism stops short of in depth explanations, which for some is exactly what they want, and that is fine, for me it is not. Then you have the varying sects of Buddhism. Theravada Buddhism states that only monks can become enlightened, which I find patently absurd. Mahayana Buddhism is almost solely focused on Boddhisatvas, or being a Buddha sometime in the future, which is problematic. According to some Buddhists only a Buddha can look at someone and know if that person is a Boddhisatva or can become a future Buddha. My main problem is not that, but the Boddhisatva ideal, to me, is limiting. If you can attain Nirvana in this life, then why not try? Why limit yourself? This is what dedicating ones self to the Boddhisatva ideal does, limit ones potential in this lifetime in attaining Nirvana.
I also greatly dislike Zen Buddhist meditation which consists of counting your breaths to ten and then starting over, I found this distracting. I prefer to focus on the breath, not the counting and see no purpose in counting at all. Simply put there is no use for counting in meditation, not even for beginners. Again, this is very limiting to the practice of meditation which can be a very liberating experience and is supposed to lead to liberation or Nirvana. How can one be mindful of their surroundings and breath when they are focused on counting? How can one clear the mind of incoming thoughts or images when the focus is on counting? There is too much going on in this practice. If you meditate focusing only on breath and discard counting, clearing the mind becomes much easier.
It did not take long for me to become frustrated with Buddhism as there does not seem to be an "Orthodoxy" in Buddhism or a "true" Buddhist practice, although I am sure all of them or some of them would probably make this claim, I know at least one of them do.
So this left me with Jainism. To be honest my idea of Jainism was an extreme cultish religion of people who wore masks and took non-violence too seriously. Yet, I put my bias aside and began studying them anyways. The more I studied the more I fell in love with Jainism. I realized that many things I did naturally were already Jain, like the doctrine of Ahimsa, or non-violence, which extends to thought, word, and action. Their doctrine of Anikantivara or non-onesidedness is also something I have developed over the last couple of years naturally apart from the religion. So the religion, which is non-theistic, is a natural fit for me.
Around the 8th grade I got a severe concussion which I later learned had caused temporal lobe epilepsy, but at the time was unaware that it was even a concussion or what a concussion was at all. Looking back I can now see the effect that it had on me as my personality completely changed from a reserved quiet introvert to an extroverted loud mouthed militant, or as I would say, religious atheist. Before that I kept my beliefs to myself, afterward I somewhat evangelized for atheism and openly attacked people of faith, and even mocked them.
A couple years later a friend and I had moved out to Las Vegas in search of some adventure but also some good paying jobs. It was there that someone had brought it to my attention that I had not properly studied any religion and therefore my criticism of any of them was not valid. In order to have a valid critique I had to first study them and know why they were wrong, or perhaps one or more was right. In hindsight this was a recipe for disaster as I was experiencing delusions and schizoaffective symptoms from the temporal lobe epilepsy which cause a hyper-religiousity, which at the time manifested itself as militant atheism.
I began studying religion and I got to Christianity and of course being surrounded by Christians I began being convinced by some really bad arguments for Christianity. I went overboard with it, becoming extremely apocalyptic and almost cultish. I honestly believed I was some sort of prophet and at times when experiencing episodes I would be convinced that I was a messiah. The disconnect was that I had a very vile temper and had no regard for the feelings of anyone else but my own and was totally unable to see this at all. I was cold, distant, and uncaring, unless I was talking about religion. However, if someone disagreed with me I became abusive and angry, hardly what I would call something that we would regard as holy. Yet in my delusional thinking I was unable to see this.
I went so far as to travel to Ethiopia and had some mystical experiences there which led me to believe that Orthodox Christianity was the true religion. So in place of militant atheism I became militant Christian. Everyone else was wrong and I was right.
Some of the experiences I had that I thought were actual religious experiences that set me personally apart from everyone were things like the icons speaking to me or moving. Having a feeling of being disembodied and taken into the heavens and receiving messages. One common experience was a bright light literally being shined upon me after which I would think I was receiving revelations or knowledge and I would write it down. Later I realized this was what would be called an "aura" that precedes a seizure, specifically a simple partial seizure in which I did not lose consciousness.
It was not until I was married did I realize that something was wrong. Having a partner gives you the ability to reflect on your behavior and I began trying to find answers as to why I would inadvertantly explode in anger or experience severe depression or days without sleep.
Originally I was diagnosed as bipolar, and I did not accept this diagnosis at all because the symptoms did not fit what I was experiencing, some of them yes, but very few. I kept telling them I had a history of concussions, three of them were severe and one of them specifically when I was dropped on my head on hard pavement from about six feet, which knocked me cold and caused me to vomit ( something I was told later ) was very serious. But this was ignored. A later psychiatrist diagnosed me as schizoaffective, which did make more sense but I still was not satisfied and wanted an eeg done, but no neurologist would do one, they kept ordering MRI's instead, which showed nothing. I assume they looked at my chart, seen that I am "crazy" and merely wrote me off.
Finally I found a neurologist that took me seriously, he did the eeg and did find that I called it correctly, temporal lobe epilepsy. I went home and actually wept, not out of sadness, but out of relief.
In about 2014 before my TLE diagnosis my psych doctor got me into mindful meditation to calm my mind, which was out of control, and I was surprised at how well this worked. I began thinking, literally years of prayer and I got nothing and three months of meditation every day and my mind has actually gotten much more quiet. Yet I did not question my faith because I was still having mystical experiences.
My doctor had been begging me to take an anti-psychotic for some time, and because I trusted her I relented and began taking it. I was scared and nervous to be taking such a scary medication but the trust she had built with me ensured me that she cared for me and she knew this was right for me. It did make me tired, but I kept at it and after about three months I noticed that I did not react in anger towards my wife and others anymore like I used to, but calmly and understandly. I was shocked, and I was even more shocked that I actually noticed something about myself, something I had not been able to do since, well, I do not know when. After about another three months I noticed that there were no more mystical experiences anymore. None. Everything was mundane, the icons no longer moved or talked. I was not disembodied, sometimes still I get an engulfing light surrounding me but I know its an aura and not god. But that, in about 2014-2015 is when I started to doubt my faith.
My delusions were gone, my mind was different, I was thinking clearly with no interference whatsoever. I felt nothing towards church or god, prayer or anything religious. I kept trying to get that feeling back, but it was gone and my attempts were fruitless. At some point I decided, since my mind was clear, to re-read the bible with a more skeptical approach. I was actually shocked at what I read, god was not the loving god I had imagined. He was a genocidal maniac. I seen the contradictions that showed the religion made no sense, the whole "love me or burn in hell". For some reason I kept trying to find reasons to hold on to it. But effectively I was an atheist since 2015 I was just in denial the entire time.
It was not until recently that a close personal friend pointed me to a specific scholar. I looked him up, listened to some of his lectures, read several of his books and said to myself "yea, Christianity is total and utter nonsense".
At this point I had already been visiting a Buddhist temple and meditating frequently. I had been reading Buddhist literature and was blown away by the fact that Buddha, in his first sermon, addresses suffering and how to overcome it. The bible never tells us why we suffer or how to overcome it, ever. In fact in some parts god himself is causing the suffering.
So since I had been meditating for a few years I decided I would study Buddhism, but I wanted to see if there was any validity to any of its claims, even one of its major claims. Surprisingly I found a psychiatrist, Dr. Ian Stevenson, who began studying reincarnation claims as what he thought were personality disorders. He actually found that he could corroborate many of these claims and he has thousands of these cases from all over the globe.
So I engrossed myself in Buddhist studies since I had no need for Christianity anymore and I thoroughly enjoyed it but found it somewhat problematic. Often times Buddhism stops short of in depth explanations, which for some is exactly what they want, and that is fine, for me it is not. Then you have the varying sects of Buddhism. Theravada Buddhism states that only monks can become enlightened, which I find patently absurd. Mahayana Buddhism is almost solely focused on Boddhisatvas, or being a Buddha sometime in the future, which is problematic. According to some Buddhists only a Buddha can look at someone and know if that person is a Boddhisatva or can become a future Buddha. My main problem is not that, but the Boddhisatva ideal, to me, is limiting. If you can attain Nirvana in this life, then why not try? Why limit yourself? This is what dedicating ones self to the Boddhisatva ideal does, limit ones potential in this lifetime in attaining Nirvana.
I also greatly dislike Zen Buddhist meditation which consists of counting your breaths to ten and then starting over, I found this distracting. I prefer to focus on the breath, not the counting and see no purpose in counting at all. Simply put there is no use for counting in meditation, not even for beginners. Again, this is very limiting to the practice of meditation which can be a very liberating experience and is supposed to lead to liberation or Nirvana. How can one be mindful of their surroundings and breath when they are focused on counting? How can one clear the mind of incoming thoughts or images when the focus is on counting? There is too much going on in this practice. If you meditate focusing only on breath and discard counting, clearing the mind becomes much easier.
It did not take long for me to become frustrated with Buddhism as there does not seem to be an "Orthodoxy" in Buddhism or a "true" Buddhist practice, although I am sure all of them or some of them would probably make this claim, I know at least one of them do.
So this left me with Jainism. To be honest my idea of Jainism was an extreme cultish religion of people who wore masks and took non-violence too seriously. Yet, I put my bias aside and began studying them anyways. The more I studied the more I fell in love with Jainism. I realized that many things I did naturally were already Jain, like the doctrine of Ahimsa, or non-violence, which extends to thought, word, and action. Their doctrine of Anikantivara or non-onesidedness is also something I have developed over the last couple of years naturally apart from the religion. So the religion, which is non-theistic, is a natural fit for me.
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